Finding Flow & Other Wisdom Teachings from Parenting and Menopause
We have talked about this since he was 3 years old. Going to college, studying in another land, getting steady in a different language. It’s been a primary wish for him from the earliest of years. Another step towards an understanding that the US and our language, currency, values and traditions are not the only ones in the world. He left this last summer for six months of study in central Mexico. And, while I was so happy to see this life wish come into fruition, I was also a bit scared. Some months before he stepped onto the unfamiliar ground of Mexico, he had also jumped into another type of unchartered terrain.
He came out. He came out as trans and while I had seen signs of change over the years, I did not see this. But just because I did not see it doesn’t mean it was not happening, to be clear. I think it’s important to acknowledge this. He hadn’t been ready to share with me the full story and most intimate of thoughts until the time felt right. I have been quiet about this mostly as I navigate some of the big life change with him which has also brought a lot of feelings. I have been kind of surprised at all the feelings that have showed up after Eugene (his chosen name) shared of his deeper process with me. All the feelings have counted in including grief & disbelief as well as sincere pride and respect for his willingness to be honest and clear with what he knows to be true. Since then, we have had many talks and cries, laughs and intimate moments. I am fierce, protective mother bear. I am proud of him and have found myself in a great learning period.
And so I sit here, in this town in central Mexico visiting Eugene nearly six months having not seen him. During this time he has had some very formative and transitional growth. He is different than I thought. My latent patterns run deep, I must be honest. When he told me of his transition from female to male I some how thought that the person I had known their whole life would disappear and now I would have another son with “masculine”, boy-type identity (I am not sure what that even means, honestly). But what I see instead is still my child. My child with a different orientation to himself and the worlds, but still very much the person who came from my breath and body with the very familiar disposition and manner I have always known. It is tender and vulnerable and asks me to be present to a process which whispers and roars to be open and heart centered…”stay right here” I hear over and over. All amidst a society that strongly advocates differently.
Menopause has left a strong mark on me and the way I see things. I have not ever thought of myself to be a linear thinker. I am very interested in going deeper into my own questions: looking at patterns, habits and choices. Maybe it’ s so many years of applying copious amounts of oil or maybe its the massive shift inside my mind, body and spirit that menopause has ushered in. Or maybe it’s both. Honestly, I think it’s many things. Between the oil, the questioning, watching and learning from Eugene and his experiences, I feel interested in opening up and breaking down some of these deeper patterns which has me wondering why do we have to label things with such imperative?
Our gender
Our stage of life
Our pronouns
Our sexual preference
Our identity
Our social class
and the list can go on and on, I think.
What if, instead, we could flow more. One of my teachers, Baba Hari Dass says that in the ancient yogic scriptures it describes the difference between dharana (concentration) and dhyana (meditation), two of the 8 limbs of Yoga, a kin to the difference between pouring water and pouring oil: “both streams fall towards one place, but water falls in a “broken” stream of drops whereas the stream of oil is smooth, constant and unbroken”. This makes me think about what it is to be in a good flow state of mind, body & spirit. I know when I am in the greater flow state I feel more able to go with life and what comes. My capacity for change or ability to pivot is much greater too. Ideas and creativity glide and swirl with ease and I am very able to see systems, patterns and ways of being which don’t serve a collective as archaic and outdated. The voice inside me yearning to get louder but in the ways that feel authentic and true for me.
Getting to a greater flow state as we age is not always easy. It’s said in Ayurveda we can expect and experience more dryness during this time of life. We may find rigidity and set in patterns and ways of being that make it more difficult to embrace change. With dryness and rigidity also comes roughness. Rough skin and roughness in our voice don’t really support good flow in the physical either. These qualities are common as part of the aging process and I believe that it becomes even more important to balance during this time of life. But if these practices have taught me anything, it is having an understanding of how interconnected we are both on the inside AND the outside. So if these qualities are part of the aging process in mind, body and spirit, it makes good sense to do what we can to be in good flow and balance. This feels wise and also tangible. By using the important principal of like increases like and opposites balance we can adjust our lifestyle and practices to best support qualities which are common as part of aging. Living in good flow to ourselves and others may be well worth spending time and effort to cultivate more deeply.
What brings about good flow? Tending to flow in mind, body and spirit can look a million ways and can be unique and common to each of us at the same time. For me, when I consider flow I think of circadian rhythms. The natural “time keeper” of our body and mind, our rhythms help us to regulate hormones, digestion, waking and sleeping and well, just about everything going on in our amazing systems. Being on the right side of a strong and stable natural rhythm will go far towards establishing good flow. Its kind of like a river that gets to move naturally to its end point. Eating, drinking, pooping and establishing good daily routines are part of the good rhythm our bodies crave and really need to be in place in order for things to be in good flow. It is highly regulatory and acts as an important frame towards daily health.
When flow is strong and stable we have so much greater capacity, bandwidth and fortitude. And, in turn, this helps us be resilient and able to consider different ways of living and being, help create systems of support and economic security for not only ourselves but our greater community. We may benefit from stronger immune systems and there can be a greater sense of embodiment and a natural ability to weave our experiences as good wisdom and right action. To me, it’s a mini revolution going on inside and that feels like a wise and skillful way to utilize our life, our experiences and all that we have learned towards a better way of being from the inside out.