WHEN EMPTINESS BECOMES SPACIOUSNESS: Time & Practice as I Age

Have you noticed the sky at the moment where light overtakes her?

A question that popped into my mind the other morning while sitting in the dark. It felt like someone tapped me on the shoulder to ask this, it kind of startled me.

I cannot see the horizon line from this city place I live. But I do see the shifts in the sky and with that I get to feel them too. These daily shifts are moments of magic, a suspension of time inbetween. (Read this for more about thresholds and inbetweens.) It is alone that I do this, most days and for most of the last 20 years or so. At times I have felt the loneliness of this, thinking that because I was alone, I was lonely. But that changed when I started committing more and more to Ayurveda & Yoga.

I have always walked the edges. My career, my interests, my passions-they have always been outside of the “common” U.S. experience. And when I was younger, and I did not understand that about myself, it felt like I was always missing out/missing something. So, I did more. I pushed the insights and feelings away. I tried everything I could to fit into this small and beautiful box placed in front of me. I thought to myself: it is a very good thing I do yoga asana, I can twist and contort myself right into this very small box.

It didn’t work very well for me.

I felt more alone then ever, surrounded by the life I built and all that goes with it. I kept busy and full, did “good” deeds, raised amazing kids.

But, And.

Fast forward and a couple decades later, things look somewhat different. My mind and body have been undergoing a re-wiring. Menopause has been in charge. We have an agreement of sorts. There have been many changes, many rocks upturned, many tears shed, many questions asked. Many things gone sideways. I am sure you understand. But I am still me and there are some things that I never want to change: healing in the time & space that is right for me. Also the slow and sometimes difficult shedding of layers that happens from the great and well earned combination of experience and time.

All of this has me re-visiting the alone-ness as it comes up in the quiet and the dark of the early morning. This time the alone is met with spaciousness and fullness. This time I welcome the alone with commitment and gratitude. This time I see the emptiness as the field of my life, the field I live in. This time things feel different.

When does loneliness become spaciousness? Maybe it comes from knowing myself differently? Or maybe it comes from life and experience or understanding the language and uniqueness that is me and not wanting to change or be anything different then that. A surrender of sorts, a letting go. When I let go are my hands empty or are they available?

As always, I enjoy the questions much more then the answers.

Most sincerely,

Danielle