Sex-Intimacy-Aging-Ayurveda : Considerations Of The Deepening
It is an important conversation. Sometimes I wonder if I should change the length of my consultations, if maybe they are too long, and then I am reminded of how things shift at about the 40-50 minute point.
The deepening
It is around this point in the appointment that we get to the heart of the matter. And, to be honest, it’s not every person but it’s been frequent enough that it deserves some sincere attention because just like most things I talk, write and think about, I believe there is a perspective shift that is being asked of us.
If you grew up in the US, chances are you have been inundated with messages that paint women in a certain way. Ads and commercials, tv and movies have worked hard at creating an image. You know it, right? It’s probably coming into your mind just as you are reading this.
SEXY
What have we created as sexy? Likely you have seen images of mostly white women who are fit, thin, sultry…”hot”. Even as we age we are supposed to maintain these “ideals”. In contemporary culture nicknames like cougar and MILF (mom I’d like to F*&&) have been created as a way of holding that bar continually through life. “Here, they say, here is a standard to aspire to..”? I think it is this standard, from early to present times, that gets embedded into our minds and hearts that stays with us for life.
But is this really a useful or healthy standard to live by? Sure, it is very important to take care of ourselves. We walk around in these “meat suits” for our entire lives. If we are to participate in our living, in communities and the greater world, it is important to have a body to do it. But I think we can consider that what we have seen as healthy over a LONG period of time and what is actually healthy may have some differences. I love Ayurveda for this reason. Ayurveda helps form the container for a different perspective. Ayurveda suggests that health comes in many forms, sizes and bodies. There is the health of the physical body which is anything but one size fits all. Also, the health of the mental and emotional body as a wise compass and guide in life and there is also the health of the spiritual body. A place where we are something so much bigger than what lives here in the mundane. Each are important and each contribute to our overall health and wellbeing or lack thereof.
Personally it has taken me decades to shift the stories of my mind that have told me to be and look a certain way. Decades trying to make my more curvy, hairy nature fit into the airbrushed image on the page staring back at me saying to be sexy, to be wanted, to be worthy…look like this. But through Ayurveda, time, my wise doctor plus lots of work, a lot of that has shifted. I think this is an important point in this conversation because it lays some ground of how imagery, society and false truth have created an ideal and along with that we have developed a philosophical understanding that in order to be valued, wanted and desired (insert many other words here), we must be “sexy”.
If we are receiving these messages from a young age, chances are we grow up developing this idea that being sexy and using sex to feel good is important and maybe a primary way of relating to those we have interest in getting to know, date and/or share our lives with. But Ayurveda has some other ideas in mind. In an article by a teacher I have learned so much from over the years, Dr. Bhaswati Bhattacharya writes about it beautifully as she talks about the importance of developing intimacy from an early stage and age that carries with us through our life. She explains the importance of growing up with safe touch and physical comfort amongst friends, family and those where close knit relations are formed. This, in turn and in Right action can form a sense of safety and “allows one to develop inner vs. outer fears connecting their senses with their intuition, and exercising the bioelectric heart. This connects all inputs of body, heart, senses and mind. When they get older, they can then distinguish the difference between intimacy and sexual pleasure. “
In my opinion this leads to important mattes later on in life too. We can understand the differences between sex and intimacy and while intimacy is wise and important in sexual relations, intimacy can be cultivated and shared in many forms and is not only expressed with sex but an important deepening of vulnerability and connections that are beyond the physical.
As we move through life, the natural ageing process is always making changes. Menopause is one area where massive changes in hormones can be very impactful. So is postpartum. Both shift us from what we once were to something completely different. Along the seasons of our life we learn, grow and develop over and over again. I think this is true of our sexual self as well and Ayurveda shares important concepts regarding sex and sexuality. Shukra is the sanskrit term that is not only the physical creation of sperm, ovum and hormones that regulate sexuality, but also “ a matter based and intelligent potency that is located in every cell. It is because of the presence of shukra that each and every cell can regenerate itself again and again” . These wise words, explained by Acharya Shunya in her book “ Ayurveda Lifestyle Wisdom” form an important foundation for ageing. “While shukra peaks in youth, explains Acharaya Shunya, from middle age onward, its potency begins to decrease with a natural result of decline in libido, fertility and youthful beauty, with progressd age”. Keep in mind that this process can be slowed down by habits and diet along with stress regulation and living a life that is internally connected. But the wisdom can ring true for some that shares an important considertion. The ageing mind and body may have different ideas of connecting to our mate that may ask us to develop heartfelt and deepened vulnerability through other expression of love and union.
Enter here the importance of developing intimacy. I believe what Ayurveda is sharing with us through our life is the wisdom to understand and cultivate the many ways that we can express deep connections not only with ourselves but also in the relationships we cherish. And, it is in this cultivation where intimacy flourishes. This idea becomes very valuable as we move through the hormonal shifts of menopause and beyond where age and stage of life take on different meanings as our roles and sexual habits may also change. The hard part is that if you have lived in this country for any length of time we have been bamboozled with imagery that says to resist the natural ageing process. You can fight it with all kinds of things from surgery to chemical products from push up, pull down, erase and re-define. There are so many ways to alter the natural ageing process it’s easy to forget that there is an actual shift happening and that shift can bring about a change in the way we show up to many aspects of our life, including sexually. And while it is perfectly fine and natural to have a sex life with trusted partners, is it ALSO ok if it changes. It probably will.
AND, there is nothing wrong with you.
In fact, the body is supporting some of these shifts naturally from the inside (by way of shukra) and so consider how that might be reflected in your intimate life of partnership. When the relationship grows through loving supportive and sometimes hard actions that are connective through the heart, mind and spirit, the natural response of our ageing mind and body will follow it and understand some of this natural shift and the deepened bonds of intimacy will be right there to support it. I believe this type of growing can be done at any stage of a relationship if both are able. I also believe this type of growing is necessary to stay close to the natural changes of our ageing selves.
A paradigm shift is needed, I think, on the whole. We need it to give space for the idea that our ageing mind and body are wise and that there may be change and that change is good. Just like the snake who sheds their skin when they grow out of it, we might need to do the same thing at points of our life. Listening to our internal landscape is the guide and stepping that forward is our map. I think it’s a good idea to be you and to stay close in so that you can make choices and decisions that are wise and reflective of what you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. There is nothing more intimate than that.
Sincerely,
Danielle
PS…I believe this is a big conversation and multi-dimensional. This article is a seed and by no means the full story. Thank you for considering some of these big shifts I think that are needed in our current culture. It is through my experiences in my own mind and body AND in my office that these important conversations become alive.